Imperfectly Perfect

One year…….365 days……….8760 hours………. Since you have left this earth. You know, I have been dreading this day. Totally unsure how I would feel but I kinda knew as this is not my first go around with grief. I have done 16 years of anniversaries with Chase and Kenley and I should know by now that the feelings leading up to the day are usually harder then the day. The anticipation is enough to choke you ( and anyone who knows me knows that I hate anticipation. It’s never good for a control freak).

How do you celebrate a death? It’s not a happy day! Balloon release, flowers to the cemetery, random acts of kindness? But the day is his day. So your mind just runs and runs trying to make the day perfect. How do we make the day perfect? You want to remember him the best way you can. You want to celebrate all the good he brought into this world. You want it to be “ perfect” so he knows that we will always remember him.

August 11th 2021, Billy went to Hospice. It was the toughest decision I have ever had to make but I knew it had to happen. I had cared for him day in and day out for 16 months. I knew I could no longer care for him and he deserved peace and dignity and to be pain free. The facility was gorgeous ( weird right?) but honestly, it reminded me of what heaven must be like. Quiet, serine, spacious! The staff were like angels. The moment we arrived, a feeling of calm came over me and I knew this was were Billy deserved to be and where he would live out his finals days like he deserved. The first few days he was in and out by by Friday, he was comfortable and beginning to transition to a better place. In his room, he had a big beautiful window seat. I would go there at night and just sit. I would listen to his breathing which at this point was changing. I would try to be so quiet because when he would hear my voice, he would become agitated and try to get out of bed ( even through the high doses of morphine). I know he was trying to tell me something. On Sunday August 15th he had so many visitors. Since they were still adhering to Covid rules, I stayed away for most of the day so others could go in and have their time with him. The days was filled with family and friends in and out. I know he knew they were all there. I arrived later in the day and went in after everyone left. I spoke to the nurse. She told me his heart was so strong and they were not seeing any end of life signs. I went in and sat in the window seat like I normally did. After a while, I needed to head home and be with the girls. I approached his bed and whispered in his ear “ I got you! I got the girls and I’m going to be ok! You are tired. It’s ok to go”. At the time I did not know if he heard me because he did not react to my voice as he had been. I drove 11 minutes home, pulled into the driveway and my phone rang. Billy had passed. The only thing I could say to the nurse was “ I know. I told him it was ok”.

365 days later, I still got the girls and I’m still ok. I’m ok because he is resting in the sweetest eternal peace. He is free of pain ( emotional and physical) and reunited with his parents. I’m a firm believer that when we are born, our story is already written. This is Billy’s story.

I feel like I should be wearing a button that says “ I’ve survived 365 days”. It’s like a badge of honor. I’m proud of the girls and I. Today we should be so proud. Proud we have made it. We have made it through every possible holiday, special occasion! We have made is a full trip around the sun. Not only have we made it but we have been kicking ass. We have been doing exactly what Billy wanted us to do. Living is for the living! He would so want us to keep moving forward and that is what we have been doing.

Today we will celebrate Billy however the girls and I decide. We have no plans ( which is so not how I roll) but that’s how we are doing it! No pressure! And I know whatever we decide to do, it will be imperfectly perfect! Cause that’s the theme of my life.

So tomorrow when I wake up, I will begin my journey of embarking on year 2. I know it will be easier cause we know what we are doing now! Anticipation is gone ( which makes me feel so much calmer). I will go from explaining my widow status in months to a year. It’s a milestone! A milestone that does not change the void but one I am proud to admit. I have been a widow for a year and I’m still standing!

And I know Billy is proud of us! The signs have been strong this week! But the sweetest part is that the girls will always have the best guardian Angel! Please continue to watch over them as they continue to do amazing things. Continue to watch over Allie as she becomes a college student in a few weeks, Continue to guide Lindsey as she enters her senior year of high school and is Captain of the Varsity Cheer team, please give me the strength for Brooklynn to begin high school, taking honors classes and has made the Varsity Lady Devils cheer team ( I’m not ready for this and you would have told me I was crazy. You would tell me, as you have so many times, that the sky is the limit for B and she was placed on this earth to do amazing things) and please watch over the baby! Please continue to guide Monroe to be the most kind, caring and empathetic child. She has helped me more this year then anyone else. To watch her resilience is beautiful to witness. I know you will have the best seat in the house this year at her gymnastic meets! She is so talented and such a natural.

So cheers to our imperfectly perfect anniversary! Continue to rest! I got you!

Welcome to WordPress! This is your first post. Edit or delete it to take the first step in your blogging journey.

I know………I know! I know what you are thinking. Any one of you who know me personally or will get to know me from this blog cannot imagine describing my life with the adjective ”perfect”.

Let me explain! In my short almost 46 years, I have been tested. Im pretty sure I have been to hell and back numerous times. Infertility, miscarriages, neonatal death, drug addicted spouse, divorce, single mother, and lastly widow. So yeah, right about now the term ”perfect” is not coming to mind right?

I have always been a positive person. I have always been a glass half full kinda gal. I have always rooted for the under dog. So this blog is for me rooting for myself and other whose life did not go as they dreamed it would. This blog is being written to help people in their darkest days. To help see that days can be bright again. No matter what, you will laugh and smile again I am a true testament to that!

Ok, now to get to the perfect part!

If i never struggled with infertility for 7 years with shot after shot, procedure after procedure, 4 IUI’s and 7 IVF’s, I would not have the amazing job I have today. I would not be able to connect with my clients who are struggling to build their families through egg donation. Without my infertility struggles I would not have been able to help bring 2000 babies into the world over the past 16 years. Tiny Treasures (www.Tinytreasuresagency.com) is the perfect business for me and exactly where I need to be.

If I never gave birth to Chase and Kenley and watched them pass a few hours later due to prematurity, I would have never started the ACDK Hope Foundation in their name. I would not have had the opportunity to help hundreds of bereaved parents in their loss journey that I walked before them. I also would not be the mother I am today because they taught me how precious life is. They taught me that I wanted nothing more then to be a Mother.

If I never married and divorced my first husband ( my high school sweetheart) well then i would not have Brooklynn who will be 15 and a high school freshman in the fall. She might be the most amazing human alive. You know those people who are just good at everything they do! That’s her! She watched me navigate being a single mother and learned young that you must work hard to play hard. She has the biggest hopes and dreams and a determination, well like mine! Since she was little, her dream is to attend Boston College for Pre-law and nothing will stop her from becoming a BC Eagle Cheerleader. And, if my ex husband and I never got divorced, i do believe he would not be clean and sober today which is something that he should be very proud of.

And now widow! Widow is a tough word. The moment the word passes my lips, I know I’m making someone feel uncomfortable. But it is sort of like a badge of honor! Widows might be the strongest people i know! Widow! How can anyone use widow and perfect in the same sentence! Actually, in the same blog. When I met Billy, he was exactly what i needed at the exact time. He was safe and loved me hard. He listened to me and we made the best team and man, did he love his little ladies. He loved Brooklynn like his own and he was a great step father to her. Billy gave me the greatest gift. He helped me bring Monroe into this world. He knew I needed her. She is my legit heart walking outside my body. She is the kindest soul and she has kept me going over the last 2.5 years. Billy and I only had 10 years together. I so believe that I was his happily ever after. I was his forever love. I think that was the big man upstairs plan. So to be Billy’s wife, i had to be his widow too!

And you want to know something? I wake up every morning feeling blessed ( and no, my therapist states i’m not crazy). I get down on my knees and thank God for my girls, parents, friends, my village, my business and my community! Its never moving on, its moving forward! We only get one shot at this thing called life and its up to us to make our own happiness. I spend my days modeling appropriate grieving for my girls and together we are learning to live our new normal.

I don’t pretend to have all the answers. My hopes and dreams for this blog is to make people feel that they are not alone. I have been working on this blog for sometime but i thought today was the best to go live. Today has been 11 months since Billy died. One month shy of a year! Its crazy how time can fly and stand still at the same time. I know he is proud of us!

And so through my blogging, you will begin to understand why I describe my life as Imperfectly Perfect.

till next time…..,

with love, hope and hugs,

Julie

• August 2022
• July 2022