One year…….365 days……….8760 hours………. Since you have left this earth. You know, I have been dreading this day. Totally unsure how I would feel but I kinda knew as this is not my first go around with grief. I have done 16 years of anniversaries with Chase and Kenley and I should know by now that the feelings leading up to the day are usually harder then the day. The anticipation is enough to choke you ( and anyone who knows me knows that I hate anticipation. It’s never good for a control freak).

How do you celebrate a death? It’s not a happy day! Balloon release, flowers to the cemetery, random acts of kindness? But the day is his day. So your mind just runs and runs trying to make the day perfect. How do we make the day perfect? You want to remember him the best way you can. You want to celebrate all the good he brought into this world. You want it to be “ perfect” so he knows that we will always remember him.

August 11th 2021, Billy went to Hospice. It was the toughest decision I have ever had to make but I knew it had to happen. I had cared for him day in and day out for 16 months. I knew I could no longer care for him and he deserved peace and dignity and to be pain free. The facility was gorgeous ( weird right?) but honestly, it reminded me of what heaven must be like. Quiet, serine, spacious! The staff were like angels. The moment we arrived, a feeling of calm came over me and I knew this was were Billy deserved to be and where he would live out his finals days like he deserved. The first few days he was in and out by by Friday, he was comfortable and beginning to transition to a better place. In his room, he had a big beautiful window seat. I would go there at night and just sit. I would listen to his breathing which at this point was changing. I would try to be so quiet because when he would hear my voice, he would become agitated and try to get out of bed ( even through the high doses of morphine). I know he was trying to tell me something. On Sunday August 15th he had so many visitors. Since they were still adhering to Covid rules, I stayed away for most of the day so others could go in and have their time with him. The days was filled with family and friends in and out. I know he knew they were all there. I arrived later in the day and went in after everyone left. I spoke to the nurse. She told me his heart was so strong and they were not seeing any end of life signs. I went in and sat in the window seat like I normally did. After a while, I needed to head home and be with the girls. I approached his bed and whispered in his ear “ I got you! I got the girls and I’m going to be ok! You are tired. It’s ok to go”. At the time I did not know if he heard me because he did not react to my voice as he had been. I drove 11 minutes home, pulled into the driveway and my phone rang. Billy had passed. The only thing I could say to the nurse was “ I know. I told him it was ok”.

365 days later, I still got the girls and I’m still ok. I’m ok because he is resting in the sweetest eternal peace. He is free of pain ( emotional and physical) and reunited with his parents. I’m a firm believer that when we are born, our story is already written. This is Billy’s story.

I feel like I should be wearing a button that says “ I’ve survived 365 days”. It’s like a badge of honor. I’m proud of the girls and I. Today we should be so proud. Proud we have made it. We have made it through every possible holiday, special occasion! We have made is a full trip around the sun. Not only have we made it but we have been kicking ass. We have been doing exactly what Billy wanted us to do. Living is for the living! He would so want us to keep moving forward and that is what we have been doing.

Today we will celebrate Billy however the girls and I decide. We have no plans ( which is so not how I roll) but that’s how we are doing it! No pressure! And I know whatever we decide to do, it will be imperfectly perfect! Cause that’s the theme of my life.

So tomorrow when I wake up, I will begin my journey of embarking on year 2. I know it will be easier cause we know what we are doing now! Anticipation is gone ( which makes me feel so much calmer). I will go from explaining my widow status in months to a year. It’s a milestone! A milestone that does not change the void but one I am proud to admit. I have been a widow for a year and I’m still standing!

And I know Billy is proud of us! The signs have been strong this week! But the sweetest part is that the girls will always have the best guardian Angel! Please continue to watch over them as they continue to do amazing things. Continue to watch over Allie as she becomes a college student in a few weeks, Continue to guide Lindsey as she enters her senior year of high school and is Captain of the Varsity Cheer team, please give me the strength for Brooklynn to begin high school, taking honors classes and has made the Varsity Lady Devils cheer team ( I’m not ready for this and you would have told me I was crazy. You would tell me, as you have so many times, that the sky is the limit for B and she was placed on this earth to do amazing things) and please watch over the baby! Please continue to guide Monroe to be the most kind, caring and empathetic child. She has helped me more this year then anyone else. To watch her resilience is beautiful to witness. I know you will have the best seat in the house this year at her gymnastic meets! She is so talented and such a natural.

So cheers to our imperfectly perfect anniversary! Continue to rest! I got you!